Early in October, as the US economy was tanking, Stephane Dion was still making completely incomprehensible announcements and life as we know it appeared to be coming horribly to grief, I was startled out of my bleak world view by a news item splashed across my Rogers email page.

It was brief and starkly rendered, yet overpoweringly banal. Could this be, as the great statesman Bob Geldoff once mournfully intoned, all there is? I looked again, to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, and there it was, underneath such piffling headlines as ‘Inquiry report slams child forensic pathology,’ ‘Russia to use force against Somali pirates’ and ‘Indian temple stampede death toll rises to 194.’

The piece de resistance, brought to us by the great news empire of Yahoo, was:  ‘Leonardo DiCaprio says he’s not ready to start a family.’

Say it isn’t so, Leo. Did your prolonged exposure to My Heart Will Go On on the deck of the Titanic fry your brain, wherever it happens to be located? Would this intelligence affect the McCain campaign or salvage the remnants of Wall Street’s infamous brand of capitalism? Could Stephen Harper somehow apply it to underscore his commitment to ‘family values’? And does anyone care, as the Cranberries sang in Ode to my Family?

You are already 34 years old, no longer an adolescent even in our infantile culture, and let me assure you, nobody is ever actually ready to start a family. This is because it is a lot more difficult than Brad, Angelina and all the petits Jolie-Pitts make it seem on  account of their access to a phalanx of nannies, cooks, personal trainers and stylists, not to mention an African country they can temporarily annex for a birthing photo op.

The thing is, Leo, if you decide to become a daddy, your job will be far easier than that of your partner and you’ll get nine months’ vacation from any baby-related chores the minute you’ve completed phase one.  After that, all you have to do is hold your spawn in a pretty pose for People, before giving him/her back to the lackey responsible for icky things like diaper changes and the chipping away of teething biscuit residue from high chairs and French-polished tables.

In my opinion you’re as ready as you’ll ever be. And with all the grim news engulfing us daily courtesy of the internet, television, radio and newspapers, what the world’s working stiffs really need is more celebrity offspring to ease the pain of losing their shirts, homes and hopes for the future to the greed of speculators and wrinkly old white guys fervently opposed, at least until very recently, to any suggestion of market regulation.

Anyway, who says you have to be ready before you take on a seemingly overwhelming task? If Sarah Palin can be seriously considered as a potential vice-president of the United States of America, you can probably muddle through as a doting dad, even though you may not be able to shoot a moose, see Russia from your bedroom window, or spend $150,000 on a wardrobe makeover.

And fatherhood must be pretty easy; after all, George W. Bush managed it. Just don’t leave it too late. As Rita Rudner said, “I’m trying to decide whether or not to have children. My time is running out. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

Categories: Columns, Vintage Whine
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