Back to the future
I just got my crystal ball back from the cleaners so it is nice and clear and I have looked deep into the coming year.
I am aware that not all of my predictions for last year came true – for example, Tiger Woods did not win the Husband of the Year Award from Chatelaine Magazine and Elvis was not discovered to be working at a Tim Hortons (no apostrophe, you’ll note) in Windsor – I am much more confident this year. I’m expecting to get into the 95th percentile of accuracy for the first time.
As we all know, the economy has been a problem. In 2010 the stock market will go up. Then down. Then up. Then down again. It will repeat this many times. About 363 and a half times, actually, in the coming year.
Prime Minister Harper’s popularity will go up. Then down. Up. Then down. It will repeat this approximately 363 and a half times in 2010. Some folks, mostly in Ottawa, will actually give a sh.., uh, will actually care.
Hizhonour the P.M. will continue to be interested in - what is that word? - Pierogies, I think. I always thought that was a Ukrainian word for those triangular pastries that are stuffed with potatoes.
By the way, I should note that while in Florida I asked a large number of folk if they knew who (or is it whom?) the Prime Minister of Canada is. Nobody knew. Some said, “Maybe Trudeau?”
Several famous athletes will be caught doing something illegal, immoral or fattening. Numerous alcoholic reporters who have cheated on all of their wives will soundly denounce these athletes in the media and will continue to make illegal sports bets.
A number of actors and actresses, who have given their kids some very odd names, will go through messy divorces. These will have absolutely no effect on anyone’s life outside their immediate families, friends and People magazine subscribers. Entertainment Tonight will still be reporting about it three months after we got tired of hearing about it.
Once again, scientists will discover a miracle cure for an illness you don’t have. They will also discover a cure for that four-hour-long erection we hear about on TV, but they won’t tell anyone. And we will be told not to take it “if you have problems with your liver or kidneys, are pregnant or may become pregnant.”
Something you have eaten your whole life will be found to cause cancer in rats.
Many thousands of folk will ring in the New Year in Times Square. None of them will be from New York.
Quebec politicians will complain that they don’t get enough money from Ottawa, that French is not spoken enough and they will threaten to separate. Once again, politicians in Ottawa will give them money, contracts and other bribes.
A crusading TV evangelist will be caught with his pants down or with his hand in the collection box. Maybe both.
Several celebrities, actors, entertainers, athletes, will enter rehab. Having so much money put them under so much pressure they turned to drugs.
“The Storm of the Century” will be predicted five times this year. Four of them won’t be very bad.
Your favourite team will have another disappointing year. Everyone will know exactly what is wrong with the team except the owner. All cab drivers and barbers will know they could manage the team better, or run the country better, if they weren’t so busy driving cabs or cutting hair.
Someone close to you will get divorced. You will say you never liked the spouse. The couple will get back together. They will stop speaking to you.
Someone will become famous for doing something stupid.
There will be a new eat-all-you-want-and-never-feel-hungry-diet fad that will consist of an odd combination of foods and behaviours. “Eat all the spaghetti you want after 10 p.m. Anchovies for breakfast. No coffee. The pounds will melt away.”
Canada will be disappointed in the performance of its Olympic athletes.
You will break all of your New Year’s resolutions.
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