My first dealings with the other sex, of course, were with my mother.

She made hand-squeezed orange juice every morning, ironed my shirts, folded my underwear, soothed my pains, and spoiled me rotten.

 From that initial model, I went forth into the world to discover the ways of women, expecting to find one just like my mom, who would keep the house smelling like roast turkey.

The problems that most men have with women usually stem from their mothers. Their mothers love them, wait on them, wipe away their tears, forgive their every fault and basically praise them for breathing.

As a result, men go out into society totally unprepared to deal with women. They expect other women with whom they have an intimate relationship to be like their mother – to hand squeeze their orange juice, cook French fries exactly right, and stick closely beside them, even when they do something totally irrational. And, did I mention, to praise them for breathing?

Sex was a bit of a mystery, but I solved it by studying the calendar at the local service station, the underwear ads in Eaton’s catalogue, the pictures of tribes that often showed up in the National Geographic magazine, and by listening to older boys.

From them I learned, for example, that a girl could get pregnant from a boy’s saliva during a kiss. I learned that the shadow of The Home for Unwed Mothers was a great deterrent against making out at the local drive-in. Every year there were one or two girls in our high school who went to visit their mother’s sister in Winnipeg or Saskatoon for about six months, and then returned and resumed high school about one year behind their former class.

Of course those days are long gone. Nowadays most high schools have a daycare facility. I’m only talking about when I was a kid, learning the path and how to stray from it without being caught or even suspected. 

Without a doubt, women have had a far greater influence on my life than have men. They have provided the most joy in my life as well as the most pain. They have scratched my back, rubbed my head, dazzled my eyes and broken my heart.

It is probably true, in the long run, that Adam would have been better off had he never laid eyes on Eve. But without her, Eden would have been a lonely place and the world would never have had hair curlers.

I’ve also noticed that men and women think differently. Men basically think about food and sex. Or maybe that should be “food and/or sex”. 

For example:

“I wonder if this could lead to sex? – No? – Boy, am I hungry”.

Oh, I guess they sometimes think about important stuff like who will make it to the playoffs. Which is basically why they don’t care much about Afghanistan, who has never been in the playoffs or even close.

Unlike men, women think about what they are going to wear. My father, when I was a single young guy back when the earth was still cooling, once told me that when I go to a party I should look for a girl in a red dress. I still remember that. Not that it helped much.

That is even true when men and women travel. They each like to come away with a piece of the country they were visiting. Men like to eat it. Women like to wear it.

Now where was I? Oh, yes – women.

Well, as you can see, I have learned plenty and if you need any advice, give me a call.

Categories: Appointment with Polhman, Columns
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